who knows.....

Alright well its a friday night and honestly i dont feel like going out. I could easily enough call people txt people and see whats going on tonight but i would rather just stay in my bed, drink a beer, write some, and sleep. Maybe tomorrow ill call some people up and see whats going on.

Ive been writing often as always only i write in soooo many places i bounce around. I have two blogs and of course my actual paper book. 

i like to write in so many places because i have to think back and really analyze the last time i wrote here what was i doing how was i feeling and how has it changed since then. Only now i really dont remember writing that last on...proof enough i really was DRUNK still at 10am. How sad haha. I dont know why it was still in the publish box either thats somewhat....surprising and thought provoking.

i have since went back to work at rmi aka Rochester Management Inc. I work cleaning the nasty apartments. Yay. Its been okay this year though honestly because a girl who i worked with the first year i was there is back. This is my third year. There is also my cousin Steve who doesnt actually work with me in the apartment but he does work in the building so thats cool. Then there is adam a kid whos dad is the same thing my dad is only for a diff complex...his dad manages one complex where as my dad manages 30 complexes so they are associates. Adam doesnt work for shit but god damn the kid is FUNNNNNNY. we laugh CONSTANTLY in that apartment and he has the same gay immature sense of humor as me so we get along well.

Ive also been failing to stick to my gym schedule. WHich is of course PISSING ME OFFFFFF. i just dont wanna be the fucking fat girl anymore. I run 3 miles everytime i go now...when i say run i actually mean RUN. ME the (still) fat girl RUNS at 5.5 mph. Im so frustrated. Im in the best shape ive ever been in but im stilllll huge and im still the same body shape and the same girl just 7lbs lighter....AN ENTIRE SUMMER AND ONLY 7lbs???!??!?!?! yeah im seriously frustrated and now that im always so fucking tired ive been really getting down on myself. Its not just that though that has been making me get down on myself...im beginnin to ask a lot of questions in my head basically just because the way my relationship has been going lately. I mean everything is okay i guess....theres something missing that ive never ever lacked before or never....received...idk im not being acted towards in a certain way where in my past theres been that yearning and its making me think that there is something wrong with me...with the way i look....and thats the reason a (in my personal opinion) vital portion of my relationship is not currently in commission.

At work that girl i mentioned earlier actually really hurt my feelings. I dont talk much but she was talking about her bf so i did share a few things about my relationship and she was soooo judgmental and opinionated that i really took offense. saying i was in a stupid relationship that he obviously doesnt love me if he doesn't call me every single night...i was like well ill admit i wish he WANTED to call me... i wish he called me more...but maybe its innocent and its not that he doesnt wanna talk to me but just that he doesnt like the phone. She went on to be like welllllll love should out weigh hatred for the phone blah blah blah...i mean i was defending myself left and right, defending my relationship....idk. I mean i guess she was right with some things but...it still stung....maybe cause she was right. BUT im going to just stay positive. i DOOOOO love my bf very much and he says he loves me its distance right now. what do you want me to say?

i love people too much. Always have Always will. Even my friends. Family. I love people with my whole heart even people who dont deserve my pure and honest to god love. i put all negativity aside when dealing with most people and try to see the positive and this lil trait of mine makes me soooo naive. It gets my heart ripped out and torn to shreds. You see i place an assurance in people i KNOW they are going to their best and when they dont, when they fail me, fail my expectations im crushed...but its my fault. Not the others....its human nature which i have difficulty acknowledging.

This has actually happened with a friend lately. I actually believed him when he said nothing would change, everything would just get tighter and blah blah friends forever. I actually believed the promise that he would always be there and when he wasnt, when no one was around when i realllllllly needed someone i let myself get hurt and be suprised. i should have expected it would happen. That no one can keep a promise, that no one in this world is worried about anyone. I'm done with this kid honestly. I was just beginning to see a difference but it crashed down. I dont make friends easy...and when i do i try to surround myself with people who are actually trust worthy and on the same page as me in many many aspects. I want a valid and good group of people to surround me. When i have liars and cheaters, when i have selfish and self centered people, or depressed people around it brings me down. I was healthy, i want happy, and i want the same consideration in return that i give. If you dont live up to it...you get phased out until you prove to me that you want/need me as much as i want/need you and that youre willing to put in the necessary effort to sustain a healthy and real friendship.

Highschool is over. We now make the friends that become our family...and realize who are friends are that were actually family all along.

i only talk to two people from highschool. Im perfectly fine with that. They were the only two people worth keeping in contact with. This summer has been less then stellar thats true....but i think they are true friends because they realize and know this fact as much as i do. Were on the same page that this is the awkward phase and transition. Its the test to see if we are the family we knew we were.

Im in this stage now where im really honestly beginning to understand that people really do come and go from your life. I started talking to people in college who i stopped talking to by second semester and second semester came around and i began to connect with people who i didnt really see a connection with first semester. Im learning how to really build these friendships and, ill be honest with you, im learning as i go. Never really had to deal with making friends before....i just always had them. hhaha which is sad. Not too bad though because they were all good friends.

i dont want people to walk out of my life though ever. Except a few hook ups and exs. hehe...no joke. ...

everyone has something to teach you and illll always remember that. Every person impacts your life in some distinct way....even the cashier at weggies.

i live by it.

SO as you see by this here blog entry i really honestly haveeeee been writing alot more lately. Of course usually its been in other places. ive also been creating a lot of works...drawings, sketches and whatnot. Nothing profound but little things that ive shown no one. Ive been working on writing down allllllll my ideas so i dont lose them. THat is after all the dreamers plague. Losing your thoughts and forgetting ideas. NOT fun. 

i need to go shopping so bad. i wish someone would just .....GIFT....me millions and millions of dollars that i could spend freely...though with consideration..freely as in as i wished. Id actually like to work with charities someday. I want to donate to a cause i can be proud of and flaunt with the assurance and confidence that makes others want to jump into the project as well just so they can feel as good as it clearly makes me feel. Id also buy a sick nasty wardrobe of hip work/professional paired with fancy/sexy/sophisticated night wear. Not to mentions i need alot of shit for my new APARTMENT! yesss i have changed my room assignment. Im living with kate and diana. Im praying to god it all works out. I hope they dont gain up on me. we shall see i just dont want to be the third or fifth wheel. you know how bad that sucks??? its awful and its the story of my life. i just dont wanna be ittttt. again.

So0o0o0o0o my throat is dry and my fingers....could type forever but ive been typing with my eyes completely closed this entire time and its making me snooze. SOOOO ill write more later...maybe i wont who cares no one actually will notice a difference

from last night...or a few hours actally.
but im sick and the world is spinning and im an ass hole. I was such a fucking ass to pete last night and i had nooooo idea what i was saying neighter did he i guess. okay soooo idk how but he actually found this here blog. but i all of a sudden got paranoid because thou i am very ...censored here i still write about things people just arent supposed to share wtih the world. and now someone from real life found them. SOOOO i was quite literally scared and worried....so i txt him like an asshole all nite long.



idk if this is going to post....but i clicked blog and all this was here...idk if it will work but i might as well post it...i have noooo idea what i was saying or when this was...hmmhaha im funny

fucking eh

ive been with tim for three months.
sometimes i worry im not a good gf.
i know people have and always tell me i would/have made a good gf.
but what if im a bad gf to him...
oh well i try...its alittle hard now cuz the distance.
& its my fault.


my car went 95mph and i didnt even realize...i could have lost my license AGAIN. uggg stoopid sarah! cuz a boy cut me off i had to pass him....didnt realize my car did 95 i looked down and got spooked....like SHIT.

i wanted to write about how cool that experience was but tim is on my mind because i need love. i hate being in this little middle ground. in a relationship...yet doesnt feel like it-thank you distance....cant flirt or hookup when i go out cuz im not single.

i wish i felt like either...i was in a relationship or that i felt single. I dont want to be single tho....

i know i said this a while ago. but i really did lose weight


see at my house we have a shady scale so didnt actually believe it all the way....BUT ITS TRUE. i lost about 7lbs. i now weigh 150 im soooooo happy this is actually working!

i ran around my block after i ate breakfast....after working out this morning. i need to go and take a shower i smell!

feel like being alone all day. i want to sleep. stay in bed. dream. be forgotten. so i can cry and no one will realize. & then i want this day to end 

almost 5 lbs. im so close to that lil line on the scale i can feel it. SOOOOOOOO close.....please oh please please please let this be the time i can lose the 18-23lbs i want.

im trying i swear im really trying to do it this time. i want to be healthy and ive been super super healthy lately. atleast compared to how i used to eat and live. Im still working to change habits and form new healthier ones.

i still always park in the farthest spot -ask amber she hates it. i take the stairs over elevators. i try to keep busy and keep my feet moving always. i try not to snack and if i do its fruit.

18lbs thats not alot. i can do this.

alone.

i really honestly do.

day after day i do the same things. wake up. take the dogs out. eat something healthy. check facebook. check mindsay. think of something productive to do. read write watch something but only educational. Do something to better myself physically work out, tan, swim, walk. do something to advance me socially. im/text/comment/contact all the people i love who are worth saying hello and seeing how their day was. think of something that will be helpful. clean, cook, prepare something for my dad before he comes home. take the dogs out. check the computer again. listen to music. search for a job. work out. go to the mall. txt somemore. write somemore. wish i wasnt here some more. wish i did feel alone.

day after day its all the same.
im working with everything in me to try not to let myself feel useless and feel like im just wasting air and all that depressing shit that goes throu my head when im home....but on nights like these its really difficult.

and a while ago i wrote that i wanna be the most to someone.

"the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

that means i want that awesome juno line...i want someone who thinks the sunshines out of my ass. To one person in this world. i want to be the the prettiest, the smartest, the funnest, the happiest, the greatest person in their eyes. I once was...but things change sooo i know this is completely unrealistic. Still tho i want to believe that one day i will be the closest you can get to perfect....but only in their eyes. I want to get to know someone to this level so that i can feel this way about another.....

hence i want to be the "most" to someone.