who knows.....

Alright well its a friday night and honestly i dont feel like going out. I could easily enough call people txt people and see whats going on tonight but i would rather just stay in my bed, drink a beer, write some, and sleep. Maybe tomorrow ill call some people up and see whats going on.

Ive been writing often as always only i write in soooo many places i bounce around. I have two blogs and of course my actual paper book. 

i like to write in so many places because i have to think back and really analyze the last time i wrote here what was i doing how was i feeling and how has it changed since then. Only now i really dont remember writing that last on...proof enough i really was DRUNK still at 10am. How sad haha. I dont know why it was still in the publish box either thats somewhat....surprising and thought provoking.

i have since went back to work at rmi aka Rochester Management Inc. I work cleaning the nasty apartments. Yay. Its been okay this year though honestly because a girl who i worked with the first year i was there is back. This is my third year. There is also my cousin Steve who doesnt actually work with me in the apartment but he does work in the building so thats cool. Then there is adam a kid whos dad is the same thing my dad is only for a diff complex...his dad manages one complex where as my dad manages 30 complexes so they are associates. Adam doesnt work for shit but god damn the kid is FUNNNNNNY. we laugh CONSTANTLY in that apartment and he has the same gay immature sense of humor as me so we get along well.

Ive also been failing to stick to my gym schedule. WHich is of course PISSING ME OFFFFFF. i just dont wanna be the fucking fat girl anymore. I run 3 miles everytime i go now...when i say run i actually mean RUN. ME the (still) fat girl RUNS at 5.5 mph. Im so frustrated. Im in the best shape ive ever been in but im stilllll huge and im still the same body shape and the same girl just 7lbs lighter....AN ENTIRE SUMMER AND ONLY 7lbs???!??!?!?! yeah im seriously frustrated and now that im always so fucking tired ive been really getting down on myself. Its not just that though that has been making me get down on myself...im beginnin to ask a lot of questions in my head basically just because the way my relationship has been going lately. I mean everything is okay i guess....theres something missing that ive never ever lacked before or never....received...idk im not being acted towards in a certain way where in my past theres been that yearning and its making me think that there is something wrong with me...with the way i look....and thats the reason a (in my personal opinion) vital portion of my relationship is not currently in commission.

At work that girl i mentioned earlier actually really hurt my feelings. I dont talk much but she was talking about her bf so i did share a few things about my relationship and she was soooo judgmental and opinionated that i really took offense. saying i was in a stupid relationship that he obviously doesnt love me if he doesn't call me every single night...i was like well ill admit i wish he WANTED to call me... i wish he called me more...but maybe its innocent and its not that he doesnt wanna talk to me but just that he doesnt like the phone. She went on to be like welllllll love should out weigh hatred for the phone blah blah blah...i mean i was defending myself left and right, defending my relationship....idk. I mean i guess she was right with some things but...it still stung....maybe cause she was right. BUT im going to just stay positive. i DOOOOO love my bf very much and he says he loves me its distance right now. what do you want me to say?

i love people too much. Always have Always will. Even my friends. Family. I love people with my whole heart even people who dont deserve my pure and honest to god love. i put all negativity aside when dealing with most people and try to see the positive and this lil trait of mine makes me soooo naive. It gets my heart ripped out and torn to shreds. You see i place an assurance in people i KNOW they are going to their best and when they dont, when they fail me, fail my expectations im crushed...but its my fault. Not the others....its human nature which i have difficulty acknowledging.

This has actually happened with a friend lately. I actually believed him when he said nothing would change, everything would just get tighter and blah blah friends forever. I actually believed the promise that he would always be there and when he wasnt, when no one was around when i realllllllly needed someone i let myself get hurt and be suprised. i should have expected it would happen. That no one can keep a promise, that no one in this world is worried about anyone. I'm done with this kid honestly. I was just beginning to see a difference but it crashed down. I dont make friends easy...and when i do i try to surround myself with people who are actually trust worthy and on the same page as me in many many aspects. I want a valid and good group of people to surround me. When i have liars and cheaters, when i have selfish and self centered people, or depressed people around it brings me down. I was healthy, i want happy, and i want the same consideration in return that i give. If you dont live up to it...you get phased out until you prove to me that you want/need me as much as i want/need you and that youre willing to put in the necessary effort to sustain a healthy and real friendship.

Highschool is over. We now make the friends that become our family...and realize who are friends are that were actually family all along.

i only talk to two people from highschool. Im perfectly fine with that. They were the only two people worth keeping in contact with. This summer has been less then stellar thats true....but i think they are true friends because they realize and know this fact as much as i do. Were on the same page that this is the awkward phase and transition. Its the test to see if we are the family we knew we were.

Im in this stage now where im really honestly beginning to understand that people really do come and go from your life. I started talking to people in college who i stopped talking to by second semester and second semester came around and i began to connect with people who i didnt really see a connection with first semester. Im learning how to really build these friendships and, ill be honest with you, im learning as i go. Never really had to deal with making friends before....i just always had them. hhaha which is sad. Not too bad though because they were all good friends.

i dont want people to walk out of my life though ever. Except a few hook ups and exs. hehe...no joke. ...

everyone has something to teach you and illll always remember that. Every person impacts your life in some distinct way....even the cashier at weggies.

i live by it.

SO as you see by this here blog entry i really honestly haveeeee been writing alot more lately. Of course usually its been in other places. ive also been creating a lot of works...drawings, sketches and whatnot. Nothing profound but little things that ive shown no one. Ive been working on writing down allllllll my ideas so i dont lose them. THat is after all the dreamers plague. Losing your thoughts and forgetting ideas. NOT fun. 

i need to go shopping so bad. i wish someone would just .....GIFT....me millions and millions of dollars that i could spend freely...though with consideration..freely as in as i wished. Id actually like to work with charities someday. I want to donate to a cause i can be proud of and flaunt with the assurance and confidence that makes others want to jump into the project as well just so they can feel as good as it clearly makes me feel. Id also buy a sick nasty wardrobe of hip work/professional paired with fancy/sexy/sophisticated night wear. Not to mentions i need alot of shit for my new APARTMENT! yesss i have changed my room assignment. Im living with kate and diana. Im praying to god it all works out. I hope they dont gain up on me. we shall see i just dont want to be the third or fifth wheel. you know how bad that sucks??? its awful and its the story of my life. i just dont wanna be ittttt. again.

So0o0o0o0o my throat is dry and my fingers....could type forever but ive been typing with my eyes completely closed this entire time and its making me snooze. SOOOO ill write more later...maybe i wont who cares no one actually will notice a difference